the dust of the dust

I am no more than a particle of nothingness,

the wayfarer of pure emptiness,

the dust of the dust in His great architecture..

Shams of Tabriz

of school holiday, raya haji and mural

always..

abil left for kuantan in the 6pm bus. iliya left for kl yesterday morning, and by tomorrow afternoon, arief and lisa will be going back to their respective schools.
meaning what?
the holiday is almost over laaa..
when it started last friday, i was so delighted because everyone, almost everyone actually except for iliya, was home. picked arief and lisa after school and abil came home later by maghrib. home was once again full of activities and noises. and i felt so thankful.
saturday afternoon we went back to pj for raya haji, and along the way picked iliya at her hostel.
that sunday i and my missus went to a bundle shop in ampang, together with hakam n his family, bought a few shirts, costing five ringgit each. real cheap, kan..
that nite had a reunion with the cherry boys, friends from my teenage years. myed, shahrul, sham badak, daus, kudut and hakam turned up for this first gathering. had a good time considering the fact i was reluctant to go at first..
raya haji was a moderate occasion. no one except for my family plus al and of course bak and mak la were at home. kamal n thoriq came later. mak had prepared nasi empet for breakfast and later for lunch we had nasi tomato. luckily farez and soraya as well as ellis and roni came to cheer up the occasion. sheen, najwa and nashra + rizuan + adam came too. thot no one would come.. haha..
after asar we left for lekio., the coming days were occupied doing stuffs for the children: going to the bank, buying food and other things for their hostels later, outing with them, having pizza, burgers, enjoying afternoon sessions in the yard playing badminton and eating cekodok or nuggets or simply biscuits je.. it didn't really matter as long as we were together.
in between, i managed to squeeze a few hours doing mural. wanted to do two but managed only one. syukur la tu, alhamdulillah. not so great but really colorful..
and now the holiday is coming to an end, what i can say is thank you Allah for the opportunities and everything bestowed upon me. i can never be grateful enough, to be honest.
for now, just enjoy the moments jee..
layan..

beggars can't be choosers

oh Ya Hu!

whom am I to beg to You

when I don’t deserve to beg at all

though I am a beggar

of Your Love

that has eclipsed

all that I beg for

guala!

sign

life is such..

He & She

he & she

when he first sets eyes on her, he knows she is the one. the one He wants him to care for. he hesitates and seeks divine help.

Ya Hu, should I go for it? if the intention is good, why not? as it is, he tells her how he wishes to befriend her. at first she is caught off guard, very unexpected move by him especially so since she barely knows him, but she gives in, and they become friends. slowly but surely, he gets to know her. he wants to know everything about her so that he would feel he knows her personally. he always looks forward to see her, to meet her, to talk to her, but sometimes life can never be like that. or it seems that way. he tells her once why he likes her, for God’s sake, no other special reason. not because of her look, nor her background, neither because of whatever worldly matters. at first it works out well, they become close, and he uses every opportunity to befriend her. he would always share stories, tell jokes and advise her to be a better person. not that she is a bad girl, but life is such that one tries to better oneself at every little chance that comes along. they become close, but not close enough for her to share her thoughts.

he likes her so much that he would do anything for her, for her sake, for her happiness. he showers her with love and affection, gifts and surprises, letters and poems, and how he wishes to protect her from everything. so much so that it affects him. why? because he wants to know how she feels, whether she likes him too, and cares for him as much as he does. but she never answers. she replies vaguely. she becomes hesitant. this makes him feel bad. feel useless. feel abandon. he feels that she doesn’t really care, coz how could she care if she never likes him in the first place? he feels she is taking him for granted. but he also realizes that feelings can’t be forced.

He too learns that she does not like to be told, to be controlled, how she is so sensitive and keeps things to herself. 

in pain, he turns to God as he always does. Ya Hu, what should I do? I care for her so much so that it hurts me. I really want to care for her coz it makes me feel blissed, but sometimes I wish she could tell me that she cares too, but she never does that. what am I to do? go on, and never give up. if it is meant to be, it will be. and so, he carries on though it hurts. he sometimes knows that she feels he is obstructing her life, he can be annoying, he is fussy, he is demanding, he is a nuisance. how does he know?

when God opens up things, he could see how she feels towards him in bits and pieces, and these make him feel even worse. one day, he tells her that it is best if they go separate ways. why? she asks. he doesn’t tell her what’s in his mind, what’s in his heart, how he longs for her concern and care, but still he gives in. he never wishes to hurt her. and they continue to be friends. he always waits for her, to hear from her, to see her smile, to hear her voice. he would give anything just to please her but it seems as if nothing works.

maybe she is a reserved person, for a girl should always be one, thus the reason she keeps things close to her chest, he tries to comfort himself, but it helps a lot if one can say some good words once in a while. he tells her of his hopes, his wishes, his promises for her as long as they are friends. he does this for God’s sake to please her. he always believes in Him. never will He betray him. With Him he shares his intimate feelings daily. though it pains him sometimes, he soldiers on coz he believes.

one day, she tells him she’s going away. at that moment, he becomes lost in words, words unsaid. he feels his world; his hope, dream, promises, everything that revolves around her, come crashing down. out of the blue. yes, she has mentioned this once, but he never believes she would go, for he trusts that she never walks away. she once gives him a ray of hope, though it may be a false one, that she would think things over, but now she has decided. he becomes so devastated, he doesn’t know how to react to her decision. all he can do is to go back to Him and pour out his heart content and leave his fate in His hand. how his teardrop falls. how he sighs. how he wishes that he could turn back the time so that he won’t feel this sadness, hopelessness, unloved, uncared. how he wishes the earth would open up and swallow him. to that extent. how he is hurt. when his only wish is to care and to be happy. for happiness is to love and to be loved. he has loved, but has he received love? friends forever he wishes they would be, but they can never be, when he alone is doing the necessary. unless she tells him what she wants, it will be too late then, and hopefully she’ll never regret it.

as for him, praises are for He, the Most Loving and Most Compassionate.

he feels grateful to Him for giving him the opportunity to know her, to adore her, to care for her, though it is only for a very short while, and though she never tells him how she feels. nothing lasts forever, right. as for now, like other mortals, he cries in pain, in his bleeding heart, where nobody knows, where nobody sees, except for He, who tests him for his belief and faithfulness. he hopes the pain will subside and eventually disappear, though the scar will remain forever. may God protect and shower his love for him and for her, and show them the path back to Him, for this world is just a dream, a super real dream for the believers.

a fiction less story by -ku2-

memory

there was someone before you
perhaps someone after you
but it will be difficult to forget you

-kutu-

the voice