Wednesday, February 14, 2018

missing mak

mak n bak 1st raya 2017

Mak was first hospitalized in march last year for her infected lungs. Not that she had never been admitted before, but then those were because of different reasons.

I was in Krabi when I got the news. When I reached home from krabi late at nite, the next morning I drove down to see her at Kelana Jaya MC. She was weak but she’s okay. Perhaps having all her loved ones beside her helped to ease her pain and discomfort. And I slept over with my wife that night at the hospital, sharing an empty bed beside mak’s. she couldn’t talk much because she was having her breathing mask to help her breathe better though we managed to have our chat and laughter. she looked better the next day and even shared mee goreng and roti canai that I bought at the mamak restaurant a few doors away from the medical centre. And later that day I left for home, and mak too, after another night stay, went back home.

Then, sometime during the fasting month, again mak was hospitalized, but this time suspected of having tuberculosis. She was admitted into PPUM and put in an isolated ward @ room. I went back to pj again and after breaking fast with bak and al, left for the hospital. To be honest, I couldn’t eat much because my main concern was to see mak as soon as possible. When I got to PPUM with my wife, ellis was there with mak. And mak looked so happy to see us and I never thought for a second that she was sick. Her jovial side was obvious and she was reading the magazine her children brought for her, having a laugh now and then with us, and it seemed she was ready to leave the hospital. And true, the next day, she went home.

But she didn’t recuperate. Her lungs were badly affected and she was finding it difficult to catch her breath, even just for a short walk from her bedroom to the toilet. So she stayed in her room all throughout the fasting month and hari raya.

Raya morning, al and I carried mak down to the living since everybody would be there soon and for her to be in her room for raya was a big NO!! she enjoyed the company of her family: bak, her children and in-laws, grandchildren, nephews and nieces , who came to visit her. though she looked so feeble and gaunt, but perhaps for everyone’s sake, she maintained her composure.
raya morning!!
Before leaving for home after the third raya, I promised mak that I would turn up during najwa’s wedding in a fortnight and I hoped she would be okay by then and we together could go to the wedding. A usual, mak nodded and smiled wearily. And so, I left for home.

Before the promised day appeared, mak again was hospitalized. This time it was worse because she had a fall in the bathroom and broke her hipbone. Together with the difficulty of breathing, the pain was too much for mak. At abang suggestion, mak was admitted at shah alam hospital. To ease the pain, the medical team gave mak a higher dose of the medicine @ drug. It helped to lessen the pain but at the same time, mak was not being herself. She was uncomfortable being strapped to the bed, and the oxygen mask was placed 24-7,and with all the wires here and there, I guess it was too much for her. and when I first saw her then, I broke down in tears. I just couldn’t accept the fact that the love of my life was being treated in such a manner, though to them it was for her own good. Her mind was in disarray and even though I tried my best to comfort her, it was of no use. I should have listened to her when she asked me to bring her home. I should have. And how I regretted it. I only managed to whisper to God to make it easy for her.

On her final day, I was with her till she fell asleep. I fed her some milk but she couldn’t sip it, so I fed her water. I dabbed her with a wet cloth, just like she used to do it for me when I was a little kid. I combed her hair and moistened her skin with the baby oil, massaged her legs and arms to ease her soreness. And after maghrib, she looked better. I supposed I should have known better but then at that moment, I was having high hope that mak would recover. She didn’t speak much though she recognized me and zu. Around 8, she drifted away. I was thankful for that because she was having difficulty sleeping. So I left for home to have my shower and dinner.

Later before midnite, the dreaded phone call came from abang. It seemed the doctor rang him and said that mak’s condition was worsening. I wanted to go right then but abang told me to wait. By the time abang asked me to go, it was past midnite. Along the way to the hospital, he called again, to say that mak was no longer with us. I got hold of myself though the tears were rolling down my cheeks. Ya Allah. And that was at 1217am, Friday, 7th of july 2017.

I stayed by mak’s side together with abang until she was brought to the surau near abang’s home. Stayed by her side till nearly subuh before going home, bathed, fetched iliya, took everyone for the final rites, and before solat jenazah, I was the last to touch her face and kiss her, and I said to mak softly that I would meet her again, was in the van jenazah with her heading to the graveyard, and I was with her till the end in the grave when she was laid to rest.

And now that her supposedly 84th birthday is around the corner, I couldn’t help but to have this overwhelming feeling of missing her, of not having her around, not being able to listen to her voice and laughter, not able to see her smile, not able to buy her food every time I go down to pj.
Simply put, I miss you so much mak. And only now, after more than seven months, my tears are rolling down freely. Guess I need it to ease this pain of missing you.
Mak, the love of my life.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Melihat Tuhan


tormented bliss

I wrote about you
I always did
To make you feel

I always wanted
The best for you

I guess
The poems
The notes
The messages
The advice
Are all in vain

I saw them coming
The pain
The bruises

The disappointment
The broken promises
Endless misery

Let them come
They will go
Since nothing
Lasts forever

And still I continue
Since true love only appears
When hurt is indescribable

 Image result for tormented bliss

Monday, January 29, 2018

Thursday, January 25, 2018

knocking on heaven's door

-knocking on heaven's door-

Do you knock on heaven’s door
When you know
That’s not what you aim for

Knocking on heaven’s door
Is just a metaphor
Wishing upon a star
Is just not what you really aim for

For I am more
Than just that
For I am beyond
All you dream for

Do you knock on heaven’s door
When I am always
What you seek for
When I am always
Your love forever more
When I am always
Within you if you know

Image result for knocking on heaven's door

Monday, January 22, 2018

Sunday, January 21, 2018

being sad

So sad.
I just feel that.

Image result for sad

Alhamdulillah for everything -

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